Cursing In The Dressing Room

"Clean shirt, new shoes
And I dont know where I am goin to.
Silk suit, black tie,
I dont need a reason why.
They come runnin just as fast as they can
Coz every girl crazy bout a sharp dressed man."

— ZZ Top - Sharp Dressed Man

"Fuck. FUCK. FUUUUUUUUCK."

I hear the Dressing Room Lady outside the door.

"Everything okay in there?"

I sigh.

"No... Yes."

This is the third pair of pants I have tried on, and the fourth or fifth shirt.

It's right at Six O'Clock and the place closest to here that cuts hair on Mondays (because strangely most barber shops here are closed on Mondays) closes at 8 O'Clock.

I still have to shave this beard off.

I don't have shoes that will go with whatever I end up buying that I am currently trying on in this stupid dressing room at this stupid store that doesn't make freakin' clothes that actually fit my...I'm guessing, totally freakish and awkwardly built body.

Sorry, I've gone and got a little ahead of myself. I'm in the middle of the PRE-INTERVIEW JITTERS.

I don't wear what I call "dress-up clothes." I appreciate the whole Mad Men aesthetic of tailored suits and bespoke shirts, but I can't put it any more clearly that my ideal mode of dress is a t-shirt of some sort along with blue jeans or shorts. Original, I know, but it let's me put absolutely zero thought into what I'm wearing so that I can focus on what I'm doing.

Anyway, today I care. I'm trying on dress shirts.

I am attempting to find a proper pair of fucking khakis.

After nearly giving myself an anxiety ridden panic attack trying to find clothes for what, in my head, will essentially be a quick trip to a footstool covered in thumbtacks in front of a What's Your Line panel of people who hate me upon sight, I finally settle on a pair of proper light brown pants and a white and blue checked button-up.

I can't pay for it quick enough. My wife wanted to look at some things in the ladies section of the store but my interview is first thing in the morning and I have to get my hair cut so I am freaking. My stomach is in knots.

The kid checking us out has to call his manager because I have a coupon. Of course I have a coupon. Of course it doesn't work.

The manager takes care of it. I pay. We are going towards the car. "Don't run off on me!" my wife says. I look back and she's five feet behind me. I am unaware I have ran off towards the car in a power-walking sprint (of which, in the spirit of transparency, I am accused of often. What? I'm tall.) and have a mission. HAIR CUT.

Ten minutes later we're at the barber shop. I go inside and the girl at the counter asks me for my phone number. The last four digits. I give her what I think I gave them last time (I've changed numbers a few times for various reasons) and it pulls up nothing. I give another number, and it's the wrong name.

"That's not me." I say.

"Well who are you?" She says.

"Well...I'm me."

"What's your phone number?"

"Can't you just make a new person on there with my new number?"

"No, I don't want to. What's your phone number?"

At this point I want to scream "I hate you and I just want a motherfucking haircut, bitch." but instead of that I give her my full name and she pulls up a number I didn't even think about as my phone number.

I still am not really sure why I even have to give a phone number to give a haircut, but whatever.

A few minutes later I'm in the chair.

A few minutes after that I'm out the door with a lighter wallet and am off to Wal-Mart.

I point out that "That's a lot of gray hair on the floor."

The lady who cut my hair says "Everyone says that."

It was a lot of gray.


After Wal-Mart, my wife tells me it's all going to be okay. She's said this several times tonight but I am less than half a day from the thing I hate most. Being judged on who I am, in tiny cereal box form where they just see the cover and maybe read the ingredients, but don't really know what I am, or what I can do, or if I'm even crunchy in milk.

It will be okay, she says. I want to trust her.

We get home, and groceries are put away. Everything in it's right place. Food in the fridge and the pantry. Toiletries to the bathroom and all that. New clothes off the hangers and all put in their final resting place.

On me.

I actually look okay.

My wife tells me to come out and she sees me. "You look really good. I told you you would."

She then tells me I freak out too much. Guilty as charged.

A belt ties it all together. My dog is giving me that smile. She must be thirsty.

I go to bed early but not before setting every alarm in the house in staggered times so that I don't sleep in like I have the last few months.

Today I had my interview, and I feel pretty confident that I killed at it.

Everyone was laughing at my jokes, and giving eye contact, and seemed genuinely interested. Out of hundreds of applicants I was one of only a few they asked to come in.

Cross yer fingers. I want to be writing Employed Files sooner than later.

And if you're in the same situation, for the love of god: Don't Freak Out.

Pre-cursor audioblog I did yesterday

U.F. GUEST POST: Pragmatic Tips for Being Laid Off

[EDITOR'S NOTE: This is the first guest post here at the Unemployed Files by a good friend of ours. If you have a tale of unemployment, or tips for those that are unemployed, feel free to send it in to us here. Thanks!]

I know the author of Unemployed Files and he offered to post an article that I wrote. I normally don’t do this sort of thing but I feel like I have a lot of good advice to spread. Like the author, I was recently a victim of The Second Coming of the Great Depression. The author is very creative and that is his talent. My main talent is being a planner and being organized. Even though I try to be creative and funny, I just never quite got he hang of it since I got a C in Humor for Engineers in college.

Resumes

Everyone knows that the resume is the foundation of the job search. There are many different kinds of resumes out there and here is the biggest thing about resumes: if you talk to 10 different people about resumes, you’ll get 10 different answers on what to put on them. I’m not going to expound upon that stuff because I’ll just be the 11th different answer that you hear and I’m just some idiot on the Internet. However, hear are some things that I do know:

• Be confident in your resume. It represents you and others may have different opinions about your resume. Learn to know when to take their advice and when to stick to your guns about your resume.
• Your resume should be in .doc Word format. Yes, I know that there is the new fangled .docx Word format, but there are still lots of people out there running older versions of Office that don’t have the compatibility packs installed either. You could also save your resume in PDF format, but I prefer .doc since almost every computer can edit Word documents. Also, this is your primary version of your resume and should be formatted properly and be pretty and everything.
• After I have a pretty, formatted version of my resume, I then create a plain text version of it. Here is the thing though. I still keep it in a .doc format. I just take my pretty resume and then convert everything to a 12pt Courier font without any kind of special stuff such as bold, italiacs, underlined, etc. Also, EVERYTHING is aligned to the left side. I don’t change the information at all; just the formatting. This really helps because you never know when you are going to need to copy and paste your resume into a job submission site and then you’ll have to deal with mucking around with it. Do it once at the beginning and be done with it.
• Next step is a Google Docs version of your resume. Here is why. You may already be using Google Docs which is great. Then, just share your resume with everyone in the world. After this, go to http://tinyurl.com/ and create a custom URL for GD resume. You can actually create a custom URL such as http://tinyurl.com/uf-resume/ which then points to your GD resume. The reason for this is that the GD resume is something like docs.google.com/View=id?th3oue_UP86x456ou3 which isn’t easy for someone to type in. For this resume, I just copy my plain text resume into here and then do a few things such as bolding stuff, but it is essentially my PT resume.
• Next up is LinkedIn. LinkedIn is a social networking site focused on the professional environment. The way that I describe it is LinkedIn is for the 9-5 professional crowd where you want to get business done, Facebook is for the happy hour type of crowd where you go to have a bit of fun and unwind, and MySpace is the dirty area of town on the other side of the tracks where you go at 2am when a “good idea” suddenly becomes a bad one. There are many different things to utilized LinkedIn for your job search. For one, you can link to a website. How, but you already have a website. OK, it isn’t a website, but you do have a TinyURL that points to your resume. Also, under your experience, post the highlights from your resume there. You have to be picky because a Word document really isn’t limited in size but I think the LinkedIn Experience section is limited to something like 2500 characters. I also copy this from my plain text resume.
• If you are a creative type, definitely have a web-based portfolio of your work so that it is easy to see. With everyone, including my grandmother, on the Internet these days, it is important to utilize Internet resources for your job hunt.

Business Cards



You never know when a networking opportunity is going to come up. Hell, I’ve traded business cards with another customer at the mechanic before. This is usually something that people forget until it is too late, but they are pretty easy to get. You could use an online service that has free business cards such as http://vistaprint.com/ which I’ve heard good things about. You could also print your own if you have a decent printer at home. You go to an office supply store and they have templates for business cards. I use one made by Avery that has clean edges, a nice linen texture, and can be printed on both sides. The pros of creating your own business cards are you can download business card templates online, edit it however you like, and then print them whenever you want. The cons are that getting things lined up perfectly when you print them can be an exercise in futility.



The information that is critical on a business card are name, title/position that you are seeking, phone number, and email address. Also, you know that TinyURL thing that we created earlier that links to your GD resume? I think that is critical as well. Remember that the resume is the foundation to your job search and it is pretty cool to tell people that they can easily find your resume from your business card. Or if you have a portfolio website, you can just link to that as well. In this day and age, I don’t think address is needed anymore on a business card unless you have a physical business somewhere. You could put a catchy phrase describing yourself on there as well, but I’ll leave that up to you.



Once you do have business cards, the most important thing is to actually keep them on you at all times. I usually have about 5 or so in my wallet because you never know when something like this will come up. Yes, you could trade phone numbers with a business contact, but then you have another person in your phonebook with about 400 other people in there. A business card is a physical reminder of your meeting. And another piece of advice, if you get a business card, immediately flip it over and write a few details about the meeting such as date, setting, and what you talked about. It’ll be easier to remember that meeting later on.



Networking



You aren’t going to find your next job on Dice.com, Monster.com, or one of the hundreds of others job sites out there. And as most people know, most of the responses you get are spam or people offering opportunities to own your own business by selling insurance. You need to be proactive about networking. Find out any networking opportunities in your area. Always have business cards with you as well and if you think you’ll have enough business cards, then double the number that you bring with you. Practice at having a 15 second to 2 minutes spiel about yourself, what you are looking for, and what you are great at. You need to have this sales pitch about yourself done well rehearsed as well. The key is to also present yourself as how you can help your future employer/clients instead of what you are looking for. Present it as a way that they would benefit from having you employed.



I’ve been to a few recruiting events lately and here are a few other tips that I’ve learned that many others don’t do. I bring a small padfolio that isn’t fancy, but on the inside, I have plenty of business cards, a pad of paper and pen, as well as a copy of my formatted resume. It isn’t for people to take, but in case anyone is interested in my resume, I can say “Well, I happen to have a copy here with me. Would you like to take a quick look at it now?” If someone has a great piece of advice or a company that is hiring, I write it down immediately in my padfolio. Also, if someone doesn’t have business cards, you can have them write down their info in your padfolio as well. And the most important thing is to follow up with people afterwards within a day or two.



Networking is going to be how you find your next job and you need to be proactive and prepared to increase your chances of finding your next position.



Interviewing/Prep



Here is another topic where there are 10 different answers if you ask 10 different people and I admit that I hate interviewing. It’s crap because you have to pretend to be someone you aren’t and that is just tough for me to do, but the most important thing to do is to focus on your strengths. You can mention your weaknesses but only in passing and mention that you are working on them. The most common type of interview questions are behavioral interview questions where they ask you to describe a situation where the sky was falling and how you saved the day. If you’ve been out of work for a while or you are trying to think of an answer for an off the wall question, you’re going to stumble upon the answers which is not good. This is where you can do some homework no matter for which interview you do.



Go online and find all types of behavioral questions online. There are millions of them. You’ll quickly find out that they boil down to three to maybe five general types of questions or situations. This is good because this is easier to handle. Now, use the S-A-R technique from your past experiences. In short, this technique is where you describe a Situation, then your Actions in that situation, and then the Result of that situation. By using this technique with your experiences, actually write down some of your situations that you could potentially use to answer these behavioral interview questions. Also, think of experiences that aren’t specifically on your resume. Of all the points on my resume, I have just as many talking points that I use in an interview that I’ve practiced.



Once you start writing down your experiences using the S-A-R technique, you’ll see how one situation can apply to one type of behavioral question and another situation can apply to a different type. By doing this, it will really help you to figure out some of the things that you’ve done in the past. It’ll refresh your memory and it is great practice prep for an interview. You will want to focus on your strengths as I mentioned before. And if you write them down, you’ll have something to review later when you have an actual interview. And the biggest thing that employers want to hear is about how you can benefit their company, not how their company can benefit you.



Other



Finally, here are some general thoughts that I’ve discovered that’ll help when you lose your job and are looking for a new one. Stick with your schedule. If you are used to going to bed at 11pm and getting up at 7am, do that. It won’t be such a shock when you go back to work. Stay busy as well. You don’t have to spend 40 hours a week looking for a job, but keep yourself occupied by doing stuff. Actually, use this as an opportunity to do something that you would never do. Get a part time job somewhere where there are a lot of people. You could use this as a networking opportunity as well as long as you have plenty of business cards with you. You know what areas you are weak in. Work on them while you have the time. If you don’t have coding skills, take a class at a community college or teach yourself. If you aren’t organized, go clean out your filing cabinet or that stack of papers on your desk that is your version of a filing cabinet. Put things in their proper place and realize how much better it is to be organized. Work on some missing skills. A lot of the positions that I’m looking for require Visio and MS Project experience and I’ve been teaching myself those applications over the last few weeks. Or do something off the wall like volunteering somewhere.



Losing your job can be very traumatic and it is for most people, but it doesn’t have to be. You can be very proactive about finding your next job and it’ll take a lot of work, but the more work that you do now, the quicker that you’ll find your next job. And as I said at the first part of this article, I’m a planner. And I always plan for a rainy day. Hopefully, you’ll learn a lot from this and you will be better prepared because this isn’t likely the last time that you’ll lose your job. Have an emergency fund on hand and have a plan on what things can be cut from your budget if you have to. This isn’t the end of the world because billions of people before you have lost their job and they all have found a way to survive. And you can too.

I'll Tell You Anything 'Cept The Truth

WANTED: Designer. Must know Photoshop, Illustrator, inDesign, and be highly creative and capable of working without supervision.

Well, that's me to a tee! Full of optimism, hope and vigor I quickly get in touch with who I envision will be my new boss as soon as I get the chance to meet him face-to-face.

A personal website is put together quickly, fully loaded with an "About Me" page and a full-blown Resume, and even a mighty big Portfolio of a lot of the really cool things I've done in my career so far. Photos I've taken from across the country, Print layouts, Web layouts, Logos, Branding, you name it. Hand illustrated stuff, and band logos. It's a slam dunk!

Potential new boss tells me to get in touch with him soon. I shoot him an e-mail, he's kind of busy, but we need to get together. When is good for me? Well...anytime is good for me. I don't have anything to do.

Two weeks later, an interview! The night before, hell, for a week before it, I'm a ball of nervous energy. I go buy nice new clothes for the meeting. I even shave off my "post-work" beard. I go and get a haircut. The night before I can't even sleep. I'm so sure this is going to be awesome and fast and I'm going to get this job immediately and I'm going to be back on track in no time with a new job and insurance and all the things I'd taken for granted before. Plus these guys seemingly do really awesome stuff! I'm excited to say the least.

The meeting is for 9:00 a.m. the next morning. I'm up at 5 a.m., easy.

I get all gussied up and out the door about 7:30 for what is ostensibly a 15 minute drive. Now, by normal human mathematics, you'd estimate that I'd show up for my 9:00 o'clock meeting at around 7:45 or so. But in the weary unemployed travelers mindset, there could be traffic. You don't want to be late do you? You've been in traffic before on this interstate for hours that one time four years ago when that tractor trailer truck wrecked.... What if that same drive had had time to recuperate...and got his Commercial Driver's License back in that four year time period, and just happened to flip his truck again, on this...the day you don't need it to happen! Oh God, at this rate I'll never get there!

Rationality is not a strong point for a man who is in search of what he wants.

So, I pull up in the parking lot of the place I'm going at 7:50 a.m. A full hour and ten minutes before my scheduled meeting-slash-informal interview. Is it even really an interview? He said he wanted to meet with me...he never said interview. Oh, man. What have I done...am I overdressed? CRAP.

I listen to the radio in my car. It's hot, so I keep it running so the air conditioning is on. But I'm unemployed a.k.a. I don't make much money except for my unemployment check, and gas is expensive, so I need to cut the car off. But I don't want to get sweaty. But it's still an hour until I need to go into this building! Okay, maybe I can go in like ten minutes early. That's typical for like...acting auditions right? "On Time is Ten Minutes Early." Well, this isn't acting. Ughhhh....

Okay it's thirty minutes before now. I'm a jumbled mess. I haven't done a job interview in close to a decade. This is not as easy as I thought.

I have his number in my iPhone. I almost call it a few times. Finally with about twenty-five minutes left I give in.

HIM: Hello?

ME: Hey [Potential Boss], This is [Your author] and I just got here in your parking lot. Ran a little faster than I thought, just got here because I thought traffic would be worse than it was.

HIM: Ha! No problem, man. We're upstairs, and through a door and then down the hall all the way and then make a left. You can't miss it.

ME: Sounds good. I will see you in a sec--

HIM: I will warn you...our air conditioner is out, so it's about 85 degrees up here.

ME: Oh[*]... no problem! Will see you in a few.

HIM: Alright then

**CLICK**

"Fuck!"

[*]Okay, a little transparency and disclosure here. When it is hot I get sweaty. I know this is a trait indicative of the human race in general, but in the state I live in it is humid. And hot. I have many times equated the outside atmosphere as an invisible wet blanket rendering any showering you have done, even moments before, completely null and void should you step into it.

So, I've been sitting in my car for about thirty minutes, stressing out. Getting a little bit of a sweat going.

Now I'm exiting the car and walking, in the summer, through an asphalt parking lot, up two levels of outdoor stairs, and into a closed building without a lot of windows that has no air conditioning. I walk into my potential new workplace, and I see the guy I'm supposed to be talking to in our inter-meeting-view. He's on the phone, engrossed in a conversation. (Didn't I just talk to him moments before?) He waves and holds up the 'Hold on a second' finger and I just kind of stand there awkwardly, getting hotter and hotter, and I'm looking around the office.

A few minutes later he comes out and says hi, and I say hi, and he suggests that we go into a communal meeting kind of room with a nice big couch and some stuff they've worked on on the wall and it's pretty cool. Except for it being really hot. I feel sweat going down my neck and back. The shirt on me feels like it's been hit by a water sprinkler...

HIM: So tell me a little about yourself...

ME: Um, well, ...sorry, it's been a while since I've done one of these. I've been working for the same place the last seven years until a week or two ago.

HIM: No worries, we're just talking. I'll tell you some of the stuff that we do... (and he goes through a list of cool projects and things that they do, which is mostly website based, and with a little bit of apparel stuff, but it all seems like stuff I can design for.)

ME: That all sounds awesome! I've done lots of stuff like that for print, and for the web. I've done a bunch of television stuff too if you guys were ever wanting to go that way.

HIM: That's all pretty exciting. Well I liked the samples I saw in your portfolio and my partner is on vacation this week, but we might be able to get you to do some samples, kind of a try-out, for us if you don't mind doing that. We'd pay you for any work you do, of course.

My heart sank. The partner isn't here, so there won't be any getting hired today at least. But that's fine. There's still hope....right?

HIM: So how are you with code?

ME: Code? Like HTML?

HIM: Well, some HTML, mostly CSS and some things like that.

ME: Oh...well, I will just be honest here and say that any of this stuff I've worked on before we usually had a guy who did code, or several guys, and I just strictly designed. But I've worked on huge design stuff and it all really looks great!

HIM: Hmm....well, the position is really needing a coder. Someone who is really good, and I mean really strong at code. Coding is a huge part of what's going on here. Is that something you could learn?

ME: Well, uh...yeah...I guess. I just don't have a lot of experience in that. I did HTML websites back, man...I guess back about ten years ago. But I don't know the CSS stuff. I mean, I could try to learn, but I--

HIM: (standing up) It was really good to meet you today, so here's my card...(hands me a card) Do you have a card?

ME: No, no I don't. (Mental note: DAMN IT.)

HIM: Start learning that code, we'll be in touch.

We shake hands, and I leave. I catch a reflection of myself on the way out and I look like someone who just got dropped into one of those pools after someone threw a softball at a target. I'm drenched in sweat. It is miserable. I walk outside of this place, dejected, a completely unqualified jerk into 90 degree heat and it is somehow cooler than the climate I just came out of, which mentally is resembling a circle of hell at the moment, outlookwise.

I get in the car and make the somehow longer-feeling drive home. I'm second guessing myself, going through the...whatever the hell that was, in my head over and over. Wondering why I was stuttering and stammering. Not pushing my strengths well. Why wasn't this dude impressed? I was a big deal and had tons of people singing my praises at my old gig. People in the industry respect my skills! Dear God, what have I done. I've blown it.

I go home and relay the unmitigated disaster to my wife. She says it can't possibly be as bad as I am telling her it was. Somewhere in the fallout from this abortion of a meeting/interview/whatever it was I'm fairly sure that I admitted responsibility for the Holocaust. I might have choked the guy. It's just getting worse and worse in my head.

Days pass. Soon, it's a week.

The beard is back. Oh boy, is it back. By this point I have completed the barter that invited Fallout 3 into my life. I'm obsessed with this game, which is not really like me at all. I'm not really a gamer. But it is working for me. My focus is there, whether it's the wrong thing to be focused on or not. Otherwise I am going to be depressed about the rejection that is sure to come.

The bouts of insomnia have begun. Gone are the days of the internal 8 a.m. wake-up call. That habit is broken. I wake up around mid-day to 2 p.m. and stay up until around 3, or 4, or let's just tell the truth, about 6 a.m. the next day.

I am the night. I go and sit on the steps of my house and look at stars and wonder about things up there that I can't possibly understand. I realize I don't know code and remember that there are about a billion things down here I don't get either. What I don't know could fill the Grand Fuckin' Canyon at this point.

Then it happens.

*Ding*

YOU HAVE ONE E-MAIL.

I check my mail.

"Man - This week is really getting away from me. And I'm out of town next week.

Let me be honest - I'm concerned about your skillset with css/html development.
Is this something you have been picking up here lately? This really is an essential
part of what we do."

I reply:

"I've learned some. I'm not an expert by any means, but I am learning. If that's a huge pitfall, I understand, I've just never had to deal with the coding side of things before."

I never heard anything back. About two weeks later I saw a twitter post proclaiming they were close to finding a candidate. A few days later they were welcoming the newest employee to their team.

It wasn't me.

I wasn't going to lie to the guy. At this point in my life there are some things that I just won't do that I used to do without blinking an eye. Being dishonest is one of them. If I know something, you'll hear about it. If I don't know something, I'll be the first to admit it. I wasn't going to lie to get this job. I'm not sure I even wanted a "coding" job because I like to design things. That's what I think I'm good at.

Having said all this, I can't help but feel like I was baited in by the idea of getting a job for one thing, and then being told I wasn't qualified for a whole different thing. I realize a business-owner can do things on a whim for whatever reason he or she wants to. Hell, there doesn't even have to be a reason to do things. You can just do it, because it's yours. Maybe I just didn't understand what they wanted, or thought I could adapt to anything.

I'm a casualty of this bait-and-switch system. Not a martyr, just one of the generic bodies coming in, not being able to (under)stand the heat, and feeling relief out on the porch where it's still way too hot to live.

I got worked up for nothing. I went in qualified for one thing, and ended up not ready for something I wouldn't have wanted in the first place. My confidence at this point was down in the hole anyway. Plus I looked like I'd slid down the hallway to his office on a completely soaked Slip N' Slide.

In the immediate following days I send on average, at least two or three resumes and cover letters out a day. I don't ever get a response.

No one said it wasn't going to be confusing out here in the real world. So I look to the virtual world sitting in my videogame console once all the resumes have been sent out for the day and the hours tick away.

I'm starting to notice similarities out here and in this videogame Fallout 3 that I'm playing intermittently when the mood strikes. You aimlessly wander the landscapes...running into people, and little stress filled adventures and missions. You do tiny tasks and get paid small amounts by the inhabitants you do them for. You gain skills and have to learn other things, and ultimately at the climax of all of it you are at your strongest and most skilled. You're a machine doing all the things that you knew you always could. Striving, surviving and fighting the good fight. Providing for yourself and the people you surround yourself with.

You ulimately end up going down a hallway filled with radiation. It's atomic output dwindling your life expectancy down to nothing as you finish the last few steps of your mission and you die right after you've ultimately done the right thing for humankind.

But sometimes you've gotta wonder if a little bit of "Yeah, man...I am really good at code." could have put you on the path to where you want to be quicker.

I don't know that I even want to find out. It would probably eat away at me knowing that the easy path would have been to lie about it and then cram coding information like crazy once I have to prove it.

I am more at ease with myself for just saying "I don't know" rather than going the wrong path.

I hope I feel that way about that decision in a few months.